'I felt like I was crying all the time': For those who are an only child, no one

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'I felt like I was crying all the time': For those who are an only child, no one shares the load when mum and dad fall ill


On a Tuesday afternoon at a coffee shop in Ang Mo Kio, Mr Glenn Poh returns to his waiting mother with two drinks: one hot and one iced. She picks the iced lemon tea.

"All my life she never used to drink cold drinks but now, she always wants something iced. It's like she's a small kid again," he says of his 74-year-old mother, Madam Tan Sow Meng, who has Alzheimer's disease.

As the only son, Mr Poh took it upon himself to look after her, personally navigating the twists and turns of caring for an ailing parent.

"Whatever needs to be done needs to be done. It's because I was raised like this," he says. Having seen how his mother cared for his late father after a stroke, he knew he wanted to do the same for her.

In Singapore, with its rapidly ageing population and cultural norms of filial piety, many adult children find themselves thrust into the role of caregivers.

Life can be put on hold when mum or dad falls ill, and those without siblings or other home help can find themselves shouldering the whole load.

Data shows there were at least 128,800 only children with mothers above the age of 50 in 2023, more than triple the 39,800 in 2003.

In a population of 5.92 million, 1.36 million people have mothers above the age of 50. While the number of only children is just a fraction of that total, researchers and social workers warn that unlike in larger families where the caregiving load can be spread out, only children face immense stress. Among other health challenges, they are more likely to experience burnout.

A stout man with a buzz cut dressed casually in a polo shirt, shorts and sliders, Mr Poh, 44, is unfailingly polite. He says "thank you" or "pai seh" (Hokkien for "sorry to bother") to anyone he interacts with, and thanks The Straits Times team profusely at each of our three interviews.

He talks about his days in a methodical way, ticking off each activity as if going down a list. He says drawing up lists and "standard operating procedures" helps him find structure amid the uncertainty and constantly evolving nature of his mother's condition.

But ask him about challenging moments, and his upper lip quivers.

The week before, rather than take her shower at the usual time, his mother fussed around with throwing away rubbish and lighting the oil lamp at the family altar.

"I shouted at her, and I asked her to go and take a bath, which she did. By the time she came out of the bathroom, I apologised but she didn't remember. I regret it when I lose my temper with her because she cannot remember," he says, tearing up.


https://www.asiaone.com/singapore/i-felt-i-was-crying-all-time-those-who-are-only-child-no-one-shares-load-when-mum-and-dad-fall-ill-caregiving

[daryl76]

challenges face by many in singapore but seldom seen or heard of... many struggling alone

our friend is only child, both parents have dementia, imagine his stress everyday

[Arctic]

I previously started a thread on this before too
https://moneymind.sg/forums/index.php?topic=212.0

That's one of the reason why I always encourage my married frens to have at least 2 children

[daryl76]

I previously started a thread on this before too
https://moneymind.sg/forums/index.php?topic=212.0

That's one of the reason why I always encourage my married frens to have at least 2 children

have alot also not a guarantee

my wife has 4 siblings, none wanted the mom to stay with them

[Arctic]

have alot also not a guarantee

my wife has 4 siblings, none wanted the mom to stay with them

The odds are better thou

My side also. Grandma stay with 1 unmarried relative then later alone when that relative died. Now in nursing home due to age and mobility issues. Our family especially my uncles and aunts are damn rich thou, can easily spare a room for her but my mum say my grandma is stubborn, wanted to stay alone instead

[Arctic]

have alot also not a guarantee

my wife has 4 siblings, none wanted the mom to stay with them

Also not only for the parents lah. The 2 children can have each other for support as well, not a guarantee they will get along well but still,  I believe the odds are better

[Suntan]

No worry. One parent will go off earlier than the other.
By then, only left one. Then none. Worry being alone if no partner or cousins.
Treasure them while chiu can.

[jim889]

I previously started a thread on this before too
https://moneymind.sg/forums/index.php?topic=212.0

That's one of the reason why I always encourage my married frens to have at least 2 children

2 not enuff rah. but gib birth pain mah.. wait the charbor cannot tahan
 

[Arctic]

2 not enuff rah. but gib birth pain mah.. wait the charbor cannot tahan
 

You have how many ah? I rmb you mentioned before

[no guessing game]

'I felt like I was crying all the time': For those who are an only child, no one shares the load when mum and dad fall ill


On a Tuesday afternoon at a coffee shop in Ang Mo Kio, Mr Glenn Poh returns to his waiting mother with two drinks: one hot and one iced. She picks the iced lemon tea.

"All my life she never used to drink cold drinks but now, she always wants something iced. It's like she's a small kid again," he says of his 74-year-old mother, Madam Tan Sow Meng, who has Alzheimer's disease.

As the only son, Mr Poh took it upon himself to look after her, personally navigating the twists and turns of caring for an ailing parent.

"Whatever needs to be done needs to be done. It's because I was raised like this," he says. Having seen how his mother cared for his late father after a stroke, he knew he wanted to do the same for her.

In Singapore, with its rapidly ageing population and cultural norms of filial piety, many adult children find themselves thrust into the role of caregivers.

Life can be put on hold when mum or dad falls ill, and those without siblings or other home help can find themselves shouldering the whole load.

Data shows there were at least 128,800 only children with mothers above the age of 50 in 2023, more than triple the 39,800 in 2003.

In a population of 5.92 million, 1.36 million people have mothers above the age of 50. While the number of only children is just a fraction of that total, researchers and social workers warn that unlike in larger families where the caregiving load can be spread out, only children face immense stress. Among other health challenges, they are more likely to experience burnout.

A stout man with a buzz cut dressed casually in a polo shirt, shorts and sliders, Mr Poh, 44, is unfailingly polite. He says "thank you" or "pai seh" (Hokkien for "sorry to bother") to anyone he interacts with, and thanks The Straits Times team profusely at each of our three interviews.

He talks about his days in a methodical way, ticking off each activity as if going down a list. He says drawing up lists and "standard operating procedures" helps him find structure amid the uncertainty and constantly evolving nature of his mother's condition.

But ask him about challenging moments, and his upper lip quivers.

The week before, rather than take her shower at the usual time, his mother fussed around with throwing away rubbish and lighting the oil lamp at the family altar.

"I shouted at her, and I asked her to go and take a bath, which she did. By the time she came out of the bathroom, I apologised but she didn't remember. I regret it when I lose my temper with her because she cannot remember," he says, tearing up.


https://www.asiaone.com/singapore/i-felt-i-was-crying-all-time-those-who-are-only-child-no-one-shares-load-when-mum-and-dad-fall-ill-caregiving

It depends. If a family has more than two children, they often fight over their parents' inheritance.

[jim889]

You have how many ah? I rmb you mentioned before

peacegor.. not moi dun wanna sayed but .. bbfa secret cannot any how sayed
 

[daryl76]

Also not only for the parents lah. The 2 children can have each other for support as well, not a guarantee they will get along well but still,  I believe the odds are better

sigh when theres a common responsibility, its always gonna be tough

see so many including my own family

[daryl76]

The odds are better thou

My side also. Grandma stay with 1 unmarried relative then later alone when that relative died. Now in nursing home due to age and mobility issues. Our family especially my uncles and aunts are damn rich thou, can easily spare a room for her but my mum say my grandma is stubborn, wanted to stay alone instead

agree, many times its just stubbornness on the part of the elderly

my parents included, sometimes they just wanna have their own place though, like my dad cos he can suka suka go walk walk and come back anytime he wants hahahahahah